Feel really quite bad atm. Should be up and alive and raring to go, should be going swimming. It feels too much like a chore, and I feel like today is just going to become another wasted day. I wish I could break this thinking habit, I wish I could do stuff before my head kicks in and tells me there's no point because I'm useless. I wish I could see beyond the gloom and realise that there's a world out there, one that looks beautiful at 7am. I wish I could convince myself that getting up and going swimming would make me feel so much better. I wish I could take that step, but it just seems way too big right now.
I hate feeling like this. I hatehatehate it. Days just merge into one long dark event. Things that ordinarily make me happy provide little entertainment. I have a constant tension headache and I get no joy. It's been like this for nearly a week and I have no idea how long it'll last. I know I feel like shit and don't wanna face the world. I know that my only safe place is my bed.
Maybe I just need to focus on the little things for a while before I try something big like swimming. It's a shame, I love early mornings and I love swimming, but lately I find no joy in either. Happiness at the moment is an unreachable destination, the route is blocked by tiredness, fatigue, feelings of being a failure, body dysmorphia, tinnitus and tension headaches.
I just wish I could be well.