I have been back at uni for two weeks now, and I really don’t know how I feel about it.
I am stressed over financial things, which isn’t a good start. I am stressed over catching up with learning and revision of the semester one modules. I am stressed about geophysics and my total inability to follow what is going on in the practical sessions. I nearly cried in class yesterday. I feel totally alone and stupid in a world full of clever second years. I feel like the outcast who doesn’t have her own friends. I wish I was in third year with my friends. I haven’t even done a bar shift and I’m contemplating quitting my job, purely so I don’t have to worry about fitting shifts in, even though I only need to do one once every two to three weeks. I am stressed because I have lots of things to pay out and SFE haven’t paid me my loan and won’t be doing so for another 3 to 4 weeks. I am stressed because my Access To Learning Fund application won’t be processed until I can find out what the hell Student Finance England are playing at. I’ve had to apply for an emergency loan from the university so that I can actually live for the next month. I am stressed because of the pressure to find accommodation on Arran for my summer mapping project. I haven’t even started to think about how I’m going to get there.
I really don’t like the way I feel right now. I feel stupid. I feel like a loner. I feel like I’m out of my depth. I feel like I haven’t done enough prep work. I feel like I’m stretching myself, despite not doing yoga or pilates or loads of shifts at work. I feel like I need to go for a long, fast walk to clear my head and then start again.