Wednesday, 4 July 2012

In which I talk about leaving university; realisations; hopes and dreams and life direction.

Today I was sitting in a popular chain brand coffee shop with my friend Atom.
Today I realised that everything is going to be fine.

For the past two days or so, I’ve been pondering quitting my job. Y’know, the new one I only started two weeks ago. And then I talk some sense into myself. It’s a job. It’s regular work. It’s a regular, if fluctuating, pay check. It’s stability. It’s better than being on the dole. And so I have talked myself into staying put. Quitting now is just an insane, non-sensical idea, so I shall not dwell on it anymore. It’s an ok job – not amazing but I can do it, and I can do it well. The people are friendly, it’s local enough for me to walk if I have to, it’s close to the river and canal and parks and thus a good location for finding places to visit & blog. Good job is good. I even like the 5:45am alarms. ETA - after todays shift I'm considering quitting again! Need to get into the right frame of mind for it and carry on.

A couple of weeks ago, I had an interview, at the Museum Collection Centre in Birmingham, for a part time volunteering role as a Natural Science Volunteer. The role involves helping to catalogue the bird collection, and maybe some of the mammals. It will involve deciphering and rewriting the original cards that came with the specimens and logging it all on a database. It will involve helping out on the MCC open day in August. It may involve working at Thinktank. It may lead to a job in the museum. The point is, one of my aims for this study break from uni was to get work experience, and today I got the phone call to say I had been selected to do this! Things are on the up. Everything is going to be alright.

One of three aims for this year looks to be sorted. The next two, getting healthy and getting fit, are hit and miss. Getting healthy is currently in the form of counselling, and if I’m honest, I have no idea if it’s ‘working’ or not. I don’t feel as though I’m getting anything out of it. I don’t feel like I’m going to have an epiphany of a breakthrough with it anytime soon. I’ve had 4 out of a potential 15 sessions, so I’m nearly halfway through my course. It leaves me mentally exhausted, when I get home I don’t have the energy to talk to my mom about what happened, and I don’t have the energy to do anything really. I must admit, after the session, the walk back to the train station often feels good. I strut in a very confident way, a ‘yeahhhh, fuckyouworld’ kinda strut. It feels good. I missed my last session; I was really angry for some reason, everything was pissing me off, so I didn’t go. And then over the weekend I started to think about quitting. Is there much point to it if I feel worse after? Will I ever get to a stage of ‘yeah! Its working!’ or will that never come? I’ve never done this before, and I’ve had some bad experience with counsellors before – it took a lot of persuading from the GP and my mother before I agreed to do this. I have decided to give it another go, a new start, try again. Give it a few more sessions and see where I am and how I feel.

Getting fit is just massively not happening right now. My knees are going back to their seizing up ways, and I really need to start pilates again. I have found a local tai chi class, so I’m going to look into starting that too. I walk a lot, and I’m still going up the allotment, but it just doesn’t feel the same. Pilates is the only thing I’ve ever done that seems to help my knees. I need/would like to get back into an eating plan, as I don’t seem to have much energy these days and my naps have gone from one hour, to three hours. I know I’m not eating well. I know I neglect myself when I’m depressed. I need to change this.

In terms of university, I can’t wait to go back. I’m due to return in January, and I’m fairly sure I’m ready. I’ve realised that what I want in this life is a career in science, it’s all I’ve wanted, and I know I’m capable. Sure, I took three years out before deciding to go to uni, and I spent those three years doing further training and working. Those three years taught me A LOT about myself, my wants and my life. It was in those three years that I first realised I was more capable than I thought, that I could do anything I put my mind to, that I could be the best, that I could achieve my dreams. So I’ve had a few setbacks on the way, my first year was diabolical and my second year, well, I have yet to finish it. So it hasn’t gone as smoothly as I planned and hoped and perhaps wished, but the point is I’m getting there, under my own steam, at times when I’m ready. I know I can and will get this degree, and I know I can and will get a first. I just won’t be doing it the conventional way.

For the most part, I’m happy with the route my life has taken. I’ve chopped and changed, I’ve umm-ed and ahh-ed over all sorts of trivial matters, I’ve regretted lots of shit, I’ve done lots of shit, I’ve drunk my fair share of vodka, I’ve had fun, and now I’ve reached a stage where I’m sure what I want.

What I want is a geology degree. And I’ll get there, but in my own time.

I just have this overwhelming feeling that everything is going to be fine.

L x

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