I feel as though I’ve grown a lot this year. Mentally and
emotionally. Little things like being fully financially responsible for myself
(and at the start of the year I was renting a room, had food and energy bills
and had to budget accordingly). I went out and got my volunteering placement. I
got a job. I came to my own decision to quit that job. I got myself another
volunteering placement. I haven’t spoken to my dad since the incident at the
start of summer. I’ve never felt more alone, both in terms of family and in
terms of friends. But overall, I feel more in control. This year has shown me
just what it is I need to do to be happy, and stay happy. I know what to avoid.
I know what to do more of. I know that this degree is more than just 3 years of
hell for a BSc. It’s a stepping stone to a new chapter of my life, a better chapter.
A career. A life.
My counsellor said it sounded like, when I started the
sessions, that my life was all about this degree, all about this part of my
life. I was so focussed and stressed over this one aspect of my life; I had
neglected the rest of it. I had neglected myself and my hobbies and my
interests. Now, I can fully see what she means, and I can also see that this
degree, yes, it is what I want. It’s taken me a fucking long time to get to
this point, and I’ve still got a way to go, but I WILL get there, under my own
steam. So I won’t graduate until I’m nearly 26. Who the fuck cares? I’ll have
my health and my sanity. I’ll have the memories of this year to power me
through. I’ll have the volunteering placement under my belt. I’ll have more than
someone else straight from school – college – university will have, and that’s
saying something. Yeah, I drove myself insane, literally, and I really really
fucked up my health back there, but I’ve come through it. I’ve come through it
knowing I have a massive support network waiting for me to fall back on, I know
I can do anything now. Nothing can and nothing will stand in my way.
There’s so many songs that I could use to perfectly sum up
my attitude and my life. So many songs that whenever I hear them, I go into
this little bubble of my own, full of love and life and laughter and sun and
yellow and happiness and joy. I just feel my heart rate go and my eyes light up
and widen and my heart just bursts with positivity, and it’s as though I have
never been afflicted by the black dog, that I have never wanted to die, that I have
never been so low that I saw no other way out. There are so many songs that
suit my life right now, the change in direction, the change for the better. I’m
constructing my own little positivity playlist to keep me going, and I believe
this will be the year to make or break me. This will be the year where I take
whatever is thrown at me, and come out the other side, bigger, better, braver
and stronger. More able to deal with the world.
I had planned to write more for this summary.. the usual
stuff like highs and lows, gigs, meeting my favourite bands, going on their
tour bus, having a guitarist from my fave band saying he likes my hair, road trips
to Oxford, Bournemouth, Leamington Spa, London (multiple times), Cardiff,
Nottingham, Kingston. Volunteering at two different places, launching my Etsy
shop, getting in touch with old friends and making some new ones… but I think I
shall leave it here. It’s been a horrible year, and the ending hasn’t been
particularly nice either, but I think I shall leave it. In the past. Where it is,
where it belongs.
No comments:
Post a Comment