Thursday, 27 December 2012

2012 Summary; Part One

It's that time of year again..

What a fucked up year you’ve been. You made me happy, you made me sad, you made me cry, you made me smile, you made me cry even more. I dumped someone, I got dumped and I dropped out of uni. All before Easter! Must be a record. A good start to the year rapidly became the shittest start to a year, ever. I was mentally, physically and emotionally all over the place, and I don’t think any of this was a good thing. I seem to recall lots of double and triple vodkas being consumed, neat. I remember downing 15 pints of cider before moving to the next pub for the next 15. I remember raiding Cotteridge at 2am for emergency pizza. I remember getting it.  January was a complete and utter balls up from the get go. I had 6 days off for Christmas while the rest of uni had 4 weeks. I was absolutely fried and not at all ready for the avalanche of work that was heading my way. I really thought I was having it too easy, and it turns out I was.

February I went to a ska gig, one of my friends was there. Cue lots of alcohol and a drunken kiss at 4am and we decided it’d be good to get together. I still maintain he was, and probably still is, my perfect guy. For whatever reason it didn’t work out – we wanted different things. I wanted support and comfort and reassurance, he wanted moar vodka. Honestly, it destroyed me when he called it off. Yeah, we were only together for three weeks, but I felt royally fucked over. I needed a friend and got treated like shit. I knew it was coming but did nothing to halt it. Start of the year = ruined.

Lots of stuff was also going on.. best friends love life falling apart, other “best friends” family issues, me and my mental health, me and my vodka habit, me and my financial woes. It all came to a head and I had a spectacular meltdown. I continued attending university for about a month but it took all my strength not to cry on a daily basis. I don’t think anyone knows or can understand the balls it took for me to carry on going, to just turn up, to put on a brave face and just pretend I was having a bad patch and would be ok soon. Who the fuck was I kidding?  Sitting in the freezing weather, in the dark, by yourself on Bournville Green in the winter, crying your eyes out really isn’t a good look. Massive love and kudos to Chris for coming to get me. I owe you so much, you’ll never understand just how much that meant to me. Ditto with turning up to my house with a wheelbarrow when I first told you he’d dumped me. You’re an actual life saver, several times over.

So in February I decided to drop out of uni. I had been turning up to lectures but I wasn’t really ‘there’. I was doing my best to hide from people and not be social and basically trying not to be seen. I know I screwed some people over with regards to dissertation work, and I’m still truly sorry for that, but it wasn’t easy for me to do. It was the hardest choice I’ve ever had to make. It took me over a month to decide if this leave of absence was the course of action I wanted to take. It was the worst thing I have ever had to contemplate and settle on a decision to do. I hated it, but I had to do it.

Realising that I had a major problem took a lot of courage. I refused to acknowledge it at first, I tried to carry on thinking it was just a bad patch and that I’d pull through. I can see now that I was in a dark, horrible place. I can see that I was just bumbling along and fucking up along the way. I can see now that I had no interest in doing anything. It took all my strength and energy, both physical and mental, to get up, out of bed and to campus. I hope I never get to that state ever again. My life had become a geology degree. I ate, slept, thought, did, acted out, talked a geology degree.

More later..

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