I feel as though I’ve grown a lot this year. Mentally and emotionally. Little things like being fully financially responsible for myself (and at the start of the year I was renting a room, had food and energy bills and had to budget accordingly). I went out and got my volunteering placement. I got a job. I came to my own decision to quit that job. I got myself another volunteering placement. I haven’t spoken to my dad since the incident at the start of summer. I’ve never felt more alone, both in terms of family and in terms of friends. But overall, I feel more in control. This year has shown me just what it is I need to do to be happy, and stay happy. I know what to avoid. I know what to do more of. I know that this degree is more than just 3 years of hell for a BSc. It’s a stepping stone to a new chapter of my life, a better chapter. A career. A life.
My counsellor said it sounded like, when I started the sessions, that my life was all about this degree, all about this part of my life. I was so focussed and stressed over this one aspect of my life; I had neglected the rest of it. I had neglected myself and my hobbies and my interests. Now, I can fully see what she means, and I can also see that this degree, yes, it is what I want. It’s taken me a fucking long time to get to this point, and I’ve still got a way to go, but I WILL get there, under my own steam. So I won’t graduate until I’m nearly 26. Who the fuck cares? I’ll have my health and my sanity. I’ll have the memories of this year to power me through. I’ll have the volunteering placement under my belt. I’ll have more than someone else straight from school – college – university will have, and that’s saying something. Yeah, I drove myself insane, literally, and I really really fucked up my health back there, but I’ve come through it. I’ve come through it knowing I have a massive support network waiting for me to fall back on, I know I can do anything now. Nothing can and nothing will stand in my way.
There’s so many songs that I could use to perfectly sum up my attitude and my life. So many songs that whenever I hear them, I go into this little bubble of my own, full of love and life and laughter and sun and yellow and happiness and joy. I just feel my heart rate go and my eyes light up and widen and my heart just bursts with positivity, and it’s as though I have never been afflicted by the black dog, that I have never wanted to die, that I have never been so low that I saw no other way out. There are so many songs that suit my life right now, the change in direction, the change for the better. I’m constructing my own little positivity playlist to keep me going, and I believe this will be the year to make or break me. This will be the year where I take whatever is thrown at me, and come out the other side, bigger, better, braver and stronger. More able to deal with the world.
I had planned to write more for this summary.. the usual stuff like highs and lows, gigs, meeting my favourite bands, going on their tour bus, having a guitarist from my fave band saying he likes my hair, road trips to Oxford, Bournemouth, Leamington Spa, London (multiple times), Cardiff, Nottingham, Kingston. Volunteering at two different places, launching my Etsy shop, getting in touch with old friends and making some new ones… but I think I shall leave it here. It’s been a horrible year, and the ending hasn’t been particularly nice either, but I think I shall leave it. In the past. Where it is, where it belongs.